Boys don’t like fat girls.

I often wonder what I should call the evilness inside me, you know? I mean, technically, it’s me, but it’s not ME, it’s just my innards.

I mean, I have a fairly good idea who I am as a person, objectively, I can say I receive good grades at an excellent university; I make people laugh; I walk a lot better than most girls in heels; blah blah nonsense,

I know who I am. Well, I know enough for a 19 year old,

But the ‘evilness’ that comes out of me sometimes. I mean, I acknowledge that it’s a strong emotional response to my eating disorder; my self esteem issues; my insecurities; my depression; etc, but it feels almost like it’s an evil-monster me that occasionally takes control over everything.

I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like whoever I know myself to be, disappears. I become a creature I can’t even understand, let alone control. Normally, it just makes me really sad and hateful towards myself, but today- wow- it manifested itself in the rare, but ever popular bold, violent, angry, abusive model, which often tried to blame other people.

Sometimes I wonder if I should blame other people. I don’t think it’s healthy, but I don’t think it’s healthy to always blame myself either. I guess it is. I just- sometimes I wonder what I’m blaming myself for.

I mean, I guess it’s my fault I’m not sexy and I’m fat and unattractive; but it’s my genes- I suppose that’s what makes me feel worthless. I’m unable to ever change those things (well, the change has to be an emotional, self-esteem change to have any effect), so I take it out on myself because I’m seemingly too useless and helpless to fix my own problems and short-fallings.

Anyways- I often believe it’s a creature that lives in me. I suppose it’s because I don’t want to believe I’m such a train wreck and so hurtful and angry and destructive. 

Actually, it’s quite funny when I think about it; it’s like I’m possessed. I often forget large portions of my monster outbreaks and can’t piece together the parts I remember. I wonder if it’s because my acting sole uninhibitedly or if I’m trying to repress the memories.

ANYWAYS- to the actual post that I wanted to get to:

Often times, when I’m being controlled by this monster that lives in me, I’m not concious of the things I’m saying or doing, except, occasionally, during the outbreaks, I hear 1-2-3-4-5 words. I don’t understand them, they’re normally sentence fragments. 

What this causes is a few things:

1. Real ME realizes that I’m not in control of myself and I become super scared. It’s like I realize I’m hidden within the shell that is my body, but I’m not in the driver’s seat. It’s really terrifying, feeling like you’ve lost control of the one thing that is entirely yours.

2. Insecure, unable me hears a word like “not enough” or “fat” and doesn’t know the contexts and then assumes that someone is yelling “YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH” or “YOU’RE FAT”, which makes everything worse

3. The words act as triggers to terrible memories or thoughts that cause me to then, relive those memories, for example “stop”, a word I’ve screamed out in my sleep while reliving sexual traumas, will often trigger those memories

4. I sometimes can’t make a connection as to who I’m speaking to or what I’m reading and ME will start to have another conversation, thinking that that’s actually the conversation I’m having, and then the person I’m speaking with, I think, must be really confused.

Anyways, it’s a scary thing to realize you’re helpless, even within your own body…

Just thought I’d rant about that a little 

Not that at my size I think it’s ever going to be a problem. But I want to be able to provide someone with children one day.

It’ll really hurt if I find out I can’t.

My heart is still pounding from my lunch throwing itself up.

Ugh

Fuck.

My oesophagus is really destroyed. I often have no control over purging and will occasionally have vomit run up into my mouth. Great for recovery, right? I often have to get myself to swallow my vomit, which is disgusting to be doing several times a day, but also, it becomes almost impossible to stop it when my body is feel like it should be purging. So, purging is an addiction for me, so I have certain triggers. If I’m sad, or stressed, if I feel too full, if I ate too fast, if I’m angry, if I’m tired, if I feel heavy, if I don’t feel pretty, basically everything, all these emotional triggers, the list goes on.

Essentially, whenever I’m triggered, my body, as a reflex from having purged to these feelings so often, flexes and I start to vomit. Gross. Very gross.

Anyways, I’ve been doing pretty okay. It had been about 2 week since I last purged. I had a minor incident where I wanted to self harm, but once again only used my scissors to create deep scratches (they lasted about 2 days).

Now, I know I’ve been having some eating problems. It seems to be that (as I’ve been trying to eat 3 meals a day), whenever my body sits down for a meal, it sort of… binges almost? Not a real binge, but I end up eating far more than I normally would /should. Anyways this has been concerning me because now I’m super paranoid about gaining weight, but I think my body is eating so much just because it’s finally getting the chance to? 

Anyways, last night, I went out with my boyfriend and my parents for a meal. I’m normally a vegetarian (about 10 months, with a few exceptions of me eating meat once every month or two). I’ve been craving meat intensely, probably because I’m a little malnourished. I ordered lamb, because I love it, and devoured it. It was incredibly. I was super proud. Anyways, last night, at about 2am, I was just over come with the need to purge and I vomited up all the lamb (or at least some of it). 

I’m really upset now. I didn’t even want to purge it. I don’t want to purge anymore.   Annoyingly enough, the same thing happened with my lunch today. I’m super frustrated because I DON’T WANT to be purging. I just can’t help it!

I think it might have something to do with the lamb that might still be in my stomach. I knew I shouldn’t have any meat because A. I haven’t had any in a long time and that gives everyone issues, B. I have really horrible digestive issues from several years of laxative abuse and the fact that I rarely have enough food in my body for my body to even bother digestive properly, so when I eat heavy things I feel bloated, C. I knew my oesophagus issues and should I foreseen this.

Other things:

-I now feel like, due to my binging, I should go buy some laxatives. I probably won’t, but it’s a thought that keeps coming up and it bothering me. Luckily, I have very little money left in my bank account. Hurray.

-I have a ton of cellulite and I look disgusting naked

-My hair is falling out and my skin looks like crap

-I’m useless

-I have a lot of school work

-I want to sleep forever.

Other than that though, I guess I’m okay. Rawr.

I’m such trash